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Maria Menounos

Molly: I know, an odd choice to be thankful for, but can we all agree that Molly makes Miley Cyrus unbelievably interesting? Had it not been for MDMA, Miley would just be another ex-Disney star doing the ComicCon rounds

Scarlett Johansson’s big-tittied comeback tour: My word, Scarlett came back with a vengeance this year, didn’t she? All of a sudden, her headlamps are on full display at every red carpet event for the world to stare at. Try to clean up when you’re done, fellas

Scarlett Johansson

Vanessa Hudgens selfies: Vanessa Hudgens is the reason why phones are smart now. Apple, Samsung, and even Motorola are in a constant battle over who can give Vanessa the best technology to keep snapping the hottest selfies of 2013. God bless Twitter, too

Vanessa Hudgens

Kate Upton’s return to sanity: Allow me to thank Kate for a change. She got rid of her loser D-list boyfriend before he could infect her A-list body with his foreign seed. Thank God, because the “In Beautiful People News” section on Celebslam would be shut down in protest if that had happened

Kate Upton

Christina Aguilera’s commitment to having abs: Xtina is back, people. This is why I never really gave up on her. With all of my fat-shaming support, I know I had a hand in helping Christina lose all those inches and getting back to being a high-end hot celebrity. You’re welcome, Chris

Christina Aguilera

Salma Hayak’s impressive cleavage: You know, I’m not sure if Salma’s even doing movies anymore, but I do know that the cameras love what tight-fitting blouses do to her gifts. They say if you hold a picture of her rack in front of two mirrors, eventually you can see Jesus give you a thumb’s up

Salma Hayak

Sofia Vergara’s impressive cleavage: See those sweet, sweet knockers? Those are 41-years-old and completely natural, kids. The next time you get arrested because you were motor-boating watermelons at Foodtown, don’t blame me. I just post the pics, you do with them what you will

Sofia Vergara

Kanye West’s arrogance: I love how Kanye has embraced his decline with complete denial. The dumber his antics, the closer he is to being completely finished in entertainment. Lol, Yeezus. Thanks for the instability, Kanye

Kate Beckinsale: Kate is probably the most well-behaved celebrity we cover. There’s literally no controversy to report on her, yet here we are, getting lost in her eyes . . . huh? Wow, I got distracted for a sec. Kate Beckinsale made that list because she’s stunning. I don’t even watch her complete movies, I just edit out every scene she’s not in. Here’s the result: I have a 7000 minute movie that I’m planning to enter at Cannes next year. Don’t thank me for it, thank the good Lord above

Kate Beckinsale

The Internet: Send your thanks and love to Vice President Al Gore for inventing the internet (according to him). Had it not been for the information superhighway, Celebslam would still be a paper magazine, only available at the Library of Congress and at live girls shops in major cities

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