I have nothing against makeup and I’m not trying to make a statement by not wearing it. In fact, the idea of having extended lashes and perfectly-lined lips does appeal to me from time to time. But then I remember that I’m the girl who went out in public with a Velcro roller stuck on her head, has blinded herself with liquid eyeliner applied directly to her eyeball and designates “good” T-shirts/jeans/yoga pants for when she needs to feel classy.
That’s why I figure if you like makeup, wear it. If you don’t, then don’t. Yet some people still find it almost criminal that I only wear a coat of mascara and lip gloss, but for every reason they give me that I should doll up, I have a reason that I shouldn’t.
1. Ain’t nobody got time for that.
I love sleeping and would rather stay in bed an extra 15 minutes or work out in the morning than spend that time trying to perfectly line my upper lids or watch YouTube tutorials on foundation. It takes me five minutes to put on a coat of mascara and out the door I go — not perfect, but presentable.
2. So many brands, so little difference.
Along with the application process, the purchase of new makeup items is pretty much just as confounding. I’m never sure just which shade of foundation perfectly matches my uneven and seasonally-changing skin tone or which eyeliner will bring out the flecks of green in my hazel eyes.
And don’t even get me started on mascara. I usually stick to one particular brand but when I went to the store the last time to find out how to be easy, breezy and beautiful — which sounds a bit slutty, yet intriguing — I was bombarded with approximately 413 different options. I could be a Lash Fanatic or engage in Lashperfection, Lashwrap, Lashblast Fusion, LashExact, Luxe, Mousse and an All-In-One professional option that I assume will also staple and collate any inner-office memos in a passive-aggressive way.
There were mascara options that specialized in curl, definition, length, long-wearing, volume, washable, waterproof, Volum’Express, XXL curl, Lash Stiletto and Lash Discovery with promises that with a swipe of a (curved, flexible, stiff or extended) wand, I could have dramatically curled, extended, and mega-plushed lashes up to 3, 5, 7, 9, or 11 times the normal volume. All without clumps. THIS IS WHY OTHER COUNTRIES HATE US, PEOPLE!
3. Bronzer should not cost as much as a car payment.
Anything more than $1 Wet-n-Wild eye pencil isn’t cheap and eventually expires so make-up buying decisions can’t be taken lightly. I have been scorned by a $10 tube of lipstick that I thought would look perfect only to find out when I got home that it made me look like a drag queen in the harsh light of day. I’ve also heard friends talk about spending hundreds of dollars each month on “age-defying” and “life-changing” products yet I simply can’t justify sweating $30 of foundation off my face at the gym.
4. WTF is countouring???
Seriously. If I wanted to expend large amounts of effort to carve something out, it’s going to be an avocado pit with a knife and not a hidden cheekbone through the use of multiple creams and bronzers.